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Tainted OJ Could Dissolve Your Testicles

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January 13th, 2012

Coca Cola said on Wednesday that they had discovered an illegal anti-fungus chemical in some of its orange juice products, as well as those of its competitors.

The oranges used to make the juice came from Brazil, so obviously some Brazilian orange growers are having a little fungus problem.

Of course at this point, I’m sure you’d like to know which orange juice products are tainted, right?

Well, no dice.

The bastards at coke wouldn’t say which brands are contaminated, only that they had alerted the Food and Drug Administration.

However, by “competitors” we can assume they mean Pepsi. Thus, we’re talking about Minute Maid and Simply Orange, which are made by Coke, and Tropicana and Dole, which are made by Pepsi.

The chemical in question is a nasty potion called carbendazim, which has been known to destroy testicles in tests performed on lab animals. But both the FDA and the EPA say that the contamination is very slight and poses no real health risk to consumers should the tainted juice be consumed.

Or in other words, the government says don’t worry, your nads are safe. Keep drinkin’ your Minute Maid.

But you know what, FDA and EPA? Go f-ck yourselves. We’re talking about my balls, here, so why don’t we err on the side of caution.

Until further notice, it’s nothing but apple juice at my house.

[Fox News via Gizmodo]

About
I am a freelance writer specializing in sports, humor, politics, technology, and, from time to time, pop culture. Also, Esteban is not my real name, but I wish was.
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