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The Mistress Rules

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January 13th, 2010

There are a lot of people talking and speculating about the Alicia Keys debacle. Her situation has reignited the concern and controversy of women questioning: why are men having affairs? It also has women all over the world pointing fingers; some claim it’s the man’s fault and others strongly believe it’s the fault of the mistress.

We all know it takes two to have an affair. Alicia Keys is not the first women to be a mistress nor will she be the last. Instead of bashing her or delving into “why men cheat,” I’m more interested in figuring out: What goes through a woman’s mind when she decides to become a mistress?

Women who have been in this situation will argue that they never decided to be a mistress because they don’t purposely go looking for married men or men in committed relationships. However, it can be easily argued that once it is clear that the object of your affection is taken, it then becomes your decision to continue or dissolve the relationship.

I found a site that had 49 articles written by women who are/have been mistresses reflecting on what they have learned from being “the other woman”. All of them except one had the same regretful tone where the author exclaimed that they never meant to fall in love with a married man, and once they fell in love they couldn’t stay away. Among the sob stories were countless articles depicting an age old story of a man who told his mistress he was not happy in his marriage, and he was working on a divorce.

One woman, Jennifer Kramer, took a different approach and wrote “The Mistress Rules.” Kramer provides guidelines for other mistresses to follow and understand based on her own experiences. What was going through this mistress’ mind? It wasn’t that she was hoping to take this man away, it was: “I know what I’m getting myself into, so I need to figure out a way to protect myself.”

Below are some of the rules Ms. Kramer compiled, and my interpretation on how it can affect the wives/girlfriends at home.

Rule #1: Don't confuse sex with love.

Her first rule should be the most obvious, but it’s the number one reason why mistresses get caught up. They somehow made themselves believe that because he is willing to share his body the same way they are that it means the same thing. It’s been proven several times: men don’t attach their emotions to sex! For a wife/girlfriend the idea that the affair is no more than sex means nothing because women attach their emotions to sex, therefore it is understandable why the wife would think this as a very big deal.

Rule #2: Don't snoop if you don't want to know

In other words, a mistress should not investigate about his life outside of the affair because she just might find that she really does not fit into his real life. Wives on the other hand, may find that their husbands prefer their alternate bachelor lives.

Rule #3: You can have affairs too! /Rule #4: Live in the moment.

If the mistress is aware that the affair can end at any moment, should the wife/girlfriend wait for it (the affair) to be over? That is up to the person being cheated on. Mistresses are aware that their whole relationship is based on running around with a cheating man so they have the same fear that a wife has about their cheating husband— “Will he find someone else?”

Rule #5: Accept all gifts

Apparently the author of these rules believes that if the cheater is giving the mistress a gift, it’s because he wants to do so—no matter if his motivation is to keep her quiet, or to equate her with a prostitute. Here’s my problem with that: before the mistress came along his money was spent on shared bills and other financial responsibilities, so now the wife’s home or kids have to be in the same budget as the trips and gifts for the mistress.

Rule #6: The moment he’s ready to leave his wife... get out!

This only goes for the mistresses who are not in it to win it. Unfortunately, getting the husband to leave his family is the ultimate goal of most mistresses. The mistress who has no intention to settle down with your man is the worst kind because when he declares his love to another woman and is shut down, he crawls back to his wife (who might take him back and leave the door open to start this vicious cycle all over again).

Rule #7: Once a cheater always a cheater

This is another motivation for the previous rule, which means that the mistress doesn’t want to settle down with a cheater. The reasoning behind this rule is quite hypocritical. A cheater will always be a cheater, just like a home wrecker will always be a home wrecker.

Rule #8: If you think this is his first affair, think again.

Duh!!

Rule #9: Eventually you will have to play the disappearing act.

There are times where the mistress is asked to play the game and pretend that she doesn’t know your husband/boyfriend in public. Wives/ girlfriends should not be fooled by this. If you know he’s cheating, don’t misconstrue the face time he is spending with you as a sign that his affair is over. Rather, take it a sign that it’s more acceptable to be seen with you in public than his mistress.

This information is crucial to the woman being cheated on because if you are aware and decide to deal with it, you should know what you are up against. When it is all said and done, the mistress may have a moment of morality and feel guilty but mostly she is frustrated with having to share, and her bad feelings have nothing to do with ruining your relationship. Now that you know maybe the mistress won't rule.

 

 

by Simone Waugh

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