7 Most Amazing Naked Criminals Of 2011
It turns out that 2011 was a heck of a year for naked crime. Just about every other week or so, there was a news story out of some place or another about someone getting into legal trouble while wearing nothing but their birthday suit. And while I'm sure these offenses are no joke and should be taken seriously and so on and so forth...uh, yeah right. Let's be real. They are freaking hilarious. So I thought I'd give you a list of my 7 favorite naked criminals from the past 12 months and spread some laughter as we head into the new year.
7. The Naked TV Thief
Back in June, a 35-year-old man named Willie Hayes was caught stealing a TV from a Connecticut home. This wouldn’t normally be a big deal, except that Hayes was naked, and he was caught by the home owner’s 15-year-old granddaughter. Gross. Grandma was apparently out of town, and had arranged for a house-sitter to watch the place. The house-sitter met Mr. Hayes at a bar the night before, and the next morning he showed up naked and looking for sex. When he didn’t get it, he decided the woman “owed” him the TV.
One morning in July, around 2:40 a.m., a topless woman stormed into the lobby of a Motel 6 waving a gun around and pointing it at people. She “had control” of the lobby for about 20 minutes before the desk clerk managed to talk some sense into her.
Turns out the woman’s name was Patricia Wright, she was a guest at the hotel, and she was (here’s a shock) high as a kite on pot, ecstasy, and prescription meds.
5. The Naked Boat Thief
Last December, a Florida man by the name of Darrel Horne got wasted with his buddy, Matt, at Lake Botts in Pierson, FL. Then the two of them decided to “borrow” a row boat, paddle out to the middle of the lake, and take a swim. But not being especially quiet boat thieves (on account of the booze) the two were quickly discovered and police rode out to apprehend them. That’s when Mr. Horne decided to strip down naked and jump in the water. He was found on shore a few minutes later but resisted arrest.
As police struggled with him, he shouted “Taser me, bro.” So they did.
The best part? Later on, after he sobered up, old Darrel thanked the police for tasering him and apologized for the inconvenience. How nice.
In August, a Washington man named Dean Meginnis was arrested after the police received reports (from some angry parents) that he was fishing naked. And no, not at night, but in the middle of the afternoon...on Sunday. Once they had Meginnis in custody, police realized he had a history of improper nudity—he had an indecent exposure conviction from 2009, and had another warrant for indecent exposure outstanding.
The strangest part of the story, however, was that the guy wasn’t fishing alone. He was with a friend that was apparently fully clothed—who you would have thought might say, “hey, Dean, maybe it’s not a good idea to have those treble hooks near your junk.”
3. The Naked Drunken Speeder
In October, a couple of Ohio cops got their official “retired cop hanging out at the bar” story that they’ll tell for years to come. You see, when they pulled over a car going 128 mph and demanded that the driver step out of the vehicle, they discovered that the driver was a 28-year-old naked woman.
Well, she wasn’t entirely naked. She did have on a see-through tube top, thong, and sneakers.
2. Mr. “I Forgot I Was Naked”
In May, a 70-year-old Mississippi man named Herman Brodus was arrested on two counts of indecent exposure after he stood naked in the doorway of his house and waved at two little girls, 8 and 10. The girls reported that he waved with one hand and appeared to be “holding something” with his other. Yikes.
But Mr. Brodus had a perfectly good explanation for his behavior. You see, he was getting ready to take a shower when he got distracted by something on TV. Then, forgetting that he was naked, he just happened to stroll past his front door and see the two cute little kiddies. So he was just being friendly.
And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you.
1. The Naked Sandwich Thief
The most amazing naked criminal of 2011 is still on the loose.
All he did was break into a 70-year-old New Hampshire grandma’s house, strip naked, make himself a sandwich, and eat it in the hallway outside her second floor bedroom. At some point, granny woke up and found the naked sandwich-eater outside her door, and obviously she asked him to leave. When he wouldn’t, she grabbed a baseball bat and started whacking him in what she referred to as his four “vital areas.” Which had to hurt.
The cops never found him, but they said that if they do he likely won’t be charged with a felony, since stealing $5 worth of sandwich supplies (even if done in the nude) just qualifies as a misdemeanor.