Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Do When Dining Out
...If you want to avoid eating spit.
CNN Money recently published an article discussing the "Top 10 ways Americans waste money." Number 7 on the list, as you could probably guess, was eating out. The average consumer spends over $2300, annually, on dining out (there's no word on if that's including the tip.)
It was the summer of 2008 when an anonymous (for the time) blogger and experienced server wrote, "Waiters can, and do, spit in peoples' food." While his blog, WaiterRant (now WaiterRant.net), stirred up online controversy and hit all the push-button topics of everyone in the food service industry, it seems many regulars to dining out missed the memo.
As someone who has spent many years in the food service/restaurant/hospitality industry I know many a server who take no shame in adding their own "special ingredient" to a diner's dish, and even more who find no greater satisfaction than secretly watching from the kitchen as it's consumed. That is why, dear SH readers, I'd like to share with you the top 10 things you should never do while dining out...Unless you really do like eating the inedible.
10. Never ask to pay your check before the food has come out.
This will always send the message that, regardless of how good the service you receive is, you will be tipping the same amount. The only excuse for doing this is if you're in an extreme hurry -- but if you're in such a hurry, why are you eating at a sit-down restaurant? That's what Burger King is for.
09. Never make the server stand at your table, waiting, while you talk on your cell phone.
It's rude enough to be talking on the your phone at the table, but must the server be forced to stand there while you take 10 minutes to wrap up a conversation or, furthermore, wrap up the conversation and then decide on what you'd like to order? Realize that you're (usually) never the only guest your server has the responsibility of waiting on, and time is money. While you're sitting there, chatting away and taking your damn time to make a decision, understand that there's another table elsewhere in the restaurant either ready to order or in need of something. A server's tip from another table should never be compromised due to your shitty etiquette. It's as easy as telling your server you just "need a minute."
08. Never order your drinks straight from the bartender.
A lot of people don't know this, but most servers (unwillingly) share their tips with the bartender. Oftentimes the rate is around 3.25% of everything they've sold that shift, and other times, it's even more. For whatever reason, patrons do this often. Whether it's because they're tired of waiting, impatient, or simply would rather watch the bartender make the drinks, the only person getting shafted is your server. Tipping the bartender for said drinks is even worse because it means the bartender is getting tipped twice -- once by you and once again by your server -- while the server's tip from you not only remains the same, but actually decreases because the total of your check has as well.
07. Never send your sever to and from the kitchen -- repeatedly and/or relentlessly.
Let me reiterate -- time is money. Don't waste your server's time by sending her back to the kitchen for shit you could have asked for on that last trip back to the kitchen. It's actually a lot nicer if you can just ask for everything at the time you are ordering. So your food comes out and you decide you need a side of mayo. Fine; but if I get back out to your table with the mayo only for you to tell me you also needed a side of pickles...I'm going to start to get impatient. If I get back to your table with the pickles and then you tell me you need a refill of Coca Cola...Then I'm really going to get mad. Servers are multi-taskers -- it's just part of the job. Don't insist that we make several trips to elsewhere in the restaurant for things we could have brought you all at once.
06. Never complain about food solely with hopes of receiving a free meal or a discount.
Diners who do this are utterly transparent. If something is cold or service really does suck, those are legitimate reasons to complain and also grounds for receiving a discount or compensation of some sort. If your food is half gone and you just realized on your last bite that it's no good, it's pretty obvious you're only doing this to get free goodies. Also, if you must complain, don't be a dick about it. We hear what you're saying, and if the complaint isn't referencing the service, it actually has nothing to do with us.
05. Never send something back to the kitchen because you just didn't like it.
This happens all the time: you see something exotic and intriguing on the menu. Sure, you don't know what foie gras is, but hell -- why not give it a try. You get your meal and realize, "Holy shit. So that's what foie gras is...Duck liver. It looks gross and..Ew. It tastes like duck liver too." This is just another example of obnoxious diner behavior. If you don't know what it is, just ask us. If/When you send the undesired dish back to the kitchen, remember two things: we didn't make it, so don't give us attitude and you didn' t even know what it was, so don't act like it's just disgusting.
04. Never interrupt your server who is in close proximity to you but speaking to another customer/table.
This puts your server in a very uncomfortable and unnecessary situation. Should we stop talking to the guest we are currently dealing with and cater to your every (impatient) need, or do we just pretend like we can't hear you? Both are very rude alternatives to dropping everything to get your water refill. It's loud, it's obnoxious, and it's just plain rude. I'm not your servant, I'm your server, and since you're not the only guest I have, you'll just have to wait like everyone else does.
03. Never snap your fingers.
Most servers will tell you their names immediately upon greeting you. Some won't, and that's because they don't want you screaming it around the restaurant whenever you need a damn napkin. At this point you might be thinking, "Well, if I didn't get her name and I'm not supposed to snap my fingers, how the hell do I get her attention?" The solution is really easy: sit in your seat and wait. If she's any kind of good server, she'll be back in five minutes. An alternative is saying "excuse me," as she passes by. It's easy, and it works!
02. Never speak to or act as if your server is below you simply because it is his/her job to wait on you.
In my many years as a server I often encountered guests (at Chili's, no less) who thought they were at the damn Palm and would act as if I were part some sort of sub-human class whose only purpose on this earth was to fulfill their every gluttonous desire. In reality, I was putting myself through college and holding down another job all while serving guests who couldn't pronounce the word "quesadilla." Many servers have and will develop, over time, a bias to the point where they think they know everything about a guest from the moment he/she sits down. This is a bad thing. In turn, it's also bad (infuriating) to be spoken to as if because you are a server, you must be stupid, poor, or desperate. Ignoring this rule is a really good way to have your meal defaced.
01. Never, under any circumstance, tip poorly when it is undeserved.
Breaking Rule #02 is a really good way to make sure your server ruins your experience because it's a personal attack on someone you interact with for what's an hour but as angry as that makes a server, nothing is worse than working hard for someone only to get $5 on a $100 check (5%). Serving is a useful and needed job in society; it functions as a means of income, and here's the real kicker: it only pays $2.87 an hour -- no joke -- and yes, that measly wage gets taxed. Now for some math:
If you have a $100 check and you tip $5: $3.25 of that $5 is going to the bartender. In some cases, $3.25 will also go to a bus boy/food runner. In this situation, you've actually taken money from your server because that extra $1.50 that you did not account for is coming straight out of her pocket. If you tipped nothing, a full $6.50.
This sector of the economy actually relies on generosity of customers as well as their willingness to pay for what they get. You might think this is actually the least important of the 10 rules because "Hey -- by the time I'm leaving the tip, I've already eaten my meal," but keep this in mind: we may not have known from the beginning that you'd be a terrible tipper, but we certainly won't forget that face for next time. 
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